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5 Steps to Stress-Guard Your Family
by: Dr. Tony Fiore
Part 1: Recognize the importance of family stress management
Joe and Emily live in Southern California with their three
young children. Both work and must commute 2 hours daily on
busy freeways, often not getting home until 7:30 PM,
exhausted and depleted.
Stressed, they have little patience for the antics of their
young children. This results in frequent shouting matches,
defiance on the part of the children, and escalating family
tension.
As the above illustrates, stress is often an underlying
cause of anger in family members. Sometimes the stress is
caused by events outside of the family which family members
bring into the home. In other cases, the behavior of family
members creates stress and tension in the home. In either
case, it becomes a problem when parents find themselves
constantly yelling at their children or disagreeing with
each other on parenting strategies.
In the meantime their children continue to do what they
please—or continue bickering and fighting with each other.
When not addressed, stress becomes a major factor in marital
unhappiness and, ultimately, divorce.
Stress and family members Joe and Emily both suffered
individual stress symptoms. These included fatigue,
irritability, angry outbursts, headaches and a discontent
with their lives. They began feeling increasingly distant
from each other.
Their children were also stressed-out; tired, irritable,
cranky, and demanding of attention. They often fought with
each other and deliberately did things to get each other in
trouble with their parents.
Symptoms of family stress
Just as individuals can become overloaded and stressed-out,
so can families. To understand how this can happen, we must
remember that families such as Joe and Emily’s are the basic
building block of our society (like most societies).
Part 2: How empathy reduces family anger
Families consist of two or more people with shared goals and
values and with a long term commitment to each other.
Families are supposed to help children learn how to become
responsible, successful, happy, and well-adjusted adults.
When this no longer happens due to stress, the family unit
becomes dysfunctional —as the family no longer serves its
purpose fully, easily or consistently.
Individual isolation
We can recognize the dysfunctional family by noting that
parents and children no longer turn to each other for
support, encouragement, guidance, or even love. Such family
members may continue to live in the same house—but not feel
emotionally attached to each other. They fail to view their
family as a warm place to retreat to from the stresses and
demands of the outside world.
Stress-Guard your family
Tip #1- Teach your children “resiliency” —the ability to
handle stress and respond more positively to difficult
events. Help your children practice “bouncing back” by
emphasizing the importance of having friends and being a
friend; setting new goals and plans to reach them, and
believing in themselves.
Tip #2– Commit to stable family rituals.
Have a way to leave each other in the morning, and to
re-connect in the evening; have a Sunday morning ritual or a
Friday night family pizza ritual. Rituals create a sense of
security and predictability —both excellent stress buffers.
Tip #3- Model and teach your children conflict resolution
skills.
Children learn how to handle conflict by watching their
parents. All couples have conflicts; better parents model
good conflict resolution skills for their children. These
skills include compromise, calm discussion, and focus on
problem-solving. Encourage your children to find a way to
resolve their own conflicts rather than jumping in and
punishing one or the other child whom you think (perhaps,
wrongly) is the troublemaker.
Tip #4– Introduce a family “better health” plan.
This includes proper nutrition, exercise, and adequate sleep
each night. The family may also want to look at time
management—and explore how how better time management might
reduce both personal and family stress.
Tip #5- Minimize criticism and take time to support each
other each day.
Excessive criticism is extremely harmful to both children
and parents. Emotional support by family members is an
extremely important buffer to family stress.
About The Author
Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist,
and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach,
provides anger and stress management programs, training and
products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up
for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at
www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.
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